Silence No More
When I was in the 7th grade, I lost my best friend.
I don’t mean like she died, but rather suddenly, she became not a friend of mine at all.
I wasn’t one of those girls with a bunch of girl friends. I was one of those girls who had one close friend and that’s all I needed. I wanted deep relationships, not wide ones.
This isn’t a post about exactly why that friendship ended (maybe someday I’ll share that one) but instead about how that one small moment, that one change, has shaped the rest of my life.
Because you see, I didn’t lose a friend because I hurt her. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was a good friend. I was always there for her. I truly cared about her and her family. I didn’t lost a friend because I failed on my part.
No, instead, I lost a friend to two other girls in class. The ones that everyone seemed to revolve around. We were only 12 but somehow they seemed like they were 16 and just had it all together. You see, I lost a friend to the pressures of middle school.
It deeply hurt me at the time, but I had no idea that it would become a piece of who I am in the way that it has.
It has caused me years, decades, of being so afraid of what I say or what I do and how that might affect someone. In moderation, this is a great thing! We do need to be aware of our actions and their consequences…
But it’s far from in moderation in the life of Carly. I hold back from speaking my mind, I have a hard time voicing my true beliefs, and in many ways it’s created distance within myself — it’s hard sometimes for me to even know if I’m in touch with how I feel or not.
Which is funny because on the surface, many describe me as very open, empathetic, willingly vulnerable.
I am, within reason, unless I sense risk of losing a connection or a relationship with whomever I’m speaking.
Which brings me here…
I’ve thought of blogging, I’ve tried podcasts, I post on social, and every single time I stop.
So this time, I really asked myself, why? Why, Carly, do you have so much motivation, so many things to say and excitement around speaking/writing/sharing, just to close the computer and never hit send? Why?
At first I thought it was because maybe I’m just not good enough. No one will care what I have to say. (Maybe they won’t).
But then I realized it’s out of fear.
Because what if they do care… what if they do read it? And they don’t like what I have to say. That’s the really scary part.
So here we are, once again, but this time, I’m doing my best to be bold.
I am a very passionate person. Movies, speakers, a good song, a sweet old man, all make me cry. I feel so strongly about the beauty of and the wonders of the world, and therefore feel so beaten down when it seems like we are all losing sight of especially those things.
I don’t share what I think out of fear of losing friends, of losing family, but I realize now that I know I will not be alone.
The values I hold are not just mine, but I know they are the values of others around me (and hopefully some of you reading this), and what better a way than to create TRUE friendship and family, than connecting on a deeper level with those that hold close the same values you do.
I am not exactly sure how I want to share all the thoughts I’ve let build in my head for so long. So I ask that you are patient with me as I navigate this new version of me.
But I also thank you for hearing me. Whether you agree with everything I say or not, we all just want to be heard. It’s really that simple.
All my love,
Carly
